I have multiple excuses, so let’s hope one of these works: I’ve moved out of the nauseous phase (at least I hope) of my pregnancy, but I’m totally exhausted instead these days.  I’ve never been a great sleeper anyway, I have a tendency to wake up at 2 in the morning and be awake for a while, but I don’t sleep at all well when I’m pregnant. I’m a stomach sleeper and since I can’t do that, I toss and turn a lot.  Anna and Mike have both been sick lately, so neither of them are sleeping well, which means I don’t sleep well either.

The realization that my time alone with Anna is coming to an end is pressing down on me like a ton of bricks.  I’ve been trying to spend more time with her, instead of emailing or checking blogs while Anna plays by herself.  It’s probably a bad idea, since then Anna will really miss my attention when the new baby comes, but she’s really fun right now and I can’t resist.  It’s fascinating to watch her grow and develop; she’s learning how to say little sentences and understands us so well when we speak to her.  Today Anna sat in her crib (I put her in there at her request) and read books to herself.  She was reading Sandra Boynton’s “Moo, Baa, La La La”, and when she got to the last page which reads, “It’s quiet now, what do you say?” Anna said, very quietly, “Quiet. Say?”

I have no pictures to post of Anna, or of anything, since my camera, which was broken, is now living at a Nikon repair facility.  I did get some cute pictures of Anna on Friday with my camera phone while we were out pumpkin hunting at a farm, but I have yet to be in a place with enough service to send them to myself for posting.  Soon though, I promise!

5. General American Laziness: It’s been a while since I’ve been out of the country, so this could be “human” laziness, but I’m pretty sure that we Americans in general are lazy.  I think we’re a little too pampered, without entirely realizing how much and how nice we really have it.  For example:

a) Caller id that appears on the t.v. – This is a feature of our DirectTv service and frankly I have to admit it’s nice, but it certainly attributes to my fat ass.  The phone rings while I’m say, watching Biggest Loser, and a caller id box pops up on the screen telling me the name and number of the person/company calling.  Without getting up, I can make the “I’m not even getting up to answer that” decision.

b) People who leave their shopping carts right next to the place where they parked.  Come on people – I know that the distance to the cart return is probably less than the distance from the chip aisle to the chocolate aisle, which I just KNOW you covered in less than 5 seconds.

c) Only when gas reached $4 a gallon did we as a nation start to cut down on our driving.  Lazy much?

d) The drive through line at our local Starbucks is generally 10-12 cars deep, while the parking lot is EMPTY.  Seriously? Could you not park your car, walk in and probably get your Grande Decaf Moccachino faster? And people wonder why we are getting fatter as a nation…

4. High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS):  After doing a bunch of reading on this stuff, I’m also thinking that we are getting fatter as a nation because this stuff is in all of our processed food.  I checked out all of the stuff in our pantry that has it and it’s scary, everything from the soda, the Saltines, Rice Krispies, the fruit and grain bars, to the ketchup.  Does anyone else think it’s bad that the thing they use to stuff down the throats of geese to make their livers be foie gras is in all of our foods? Oh and now there’s this study about HFCS and mercury… Neat! More please!

3. Sodium Laureth Sulfate: This chemical is in practically every shampoo, body wash and soap on the market.  It’s a chemical grade degreaser that also helps to make your shampoo nice and frothy.  Several years ago an email floated around about sodium laureth sulfate and how it could give you cancer.  While it seems that has been disproven, there is still talk of it being a skin irritant.  Just to give it a try, several weeks ago I banished all of my shampoo and body wash that had sodium laureth sulfate in them.  The results? I no longer have dry scalp, or the little red bumps on the back of my upper arms that I have always had.  I always though these were the result of how dry it is in Colorado, and perhaps that’s part of it.  But I also can’t deny that my skin and scalp are a lot less itchy and dry this winter since I went sodium laureth sulfate free…

2. People who still deny that Global Warming is occurring:  I have an Aunt like this and I regularly want to smack her.  For far too long the Bush administration denied it and then doctored all scientific research they could get their hands on to make it look like it’s not happening, but it is people, get a grip.  The ice caps are melting, the seas are rising, the temperature is going way up and people and animals are dying.  Get your head out of the pollution cloud!  We’ve had an extremely warm winter here in Colorado, and although I know that sometimes that’s just the way that it is, we have spent almost all of March, our “snowiest month” without any moisture (except some in the mountains) and most of it above 60 degrees.  When I made a comment about how warm it was a few weeks ago my Aunt had the gall to say “it’s always like this in the winter”.  Um yeah, I’m sure the ski industry would say the same.  Seriously?

1. Oprah.  Here’s my problem with the queen of talk shows.  Although I know that she is benevolent and giving, she does it in a way that rubs me the wrong way.  She’s so “This is the way it should be done and this is the way I like it – so you should too”.  As if she is the ultimate authority on how you should live your life, while frankly, sometimes she seems like she could use a little advice herself…  And she has a tendency to get all “you must freak out about this NOW!” that I’m sure sells ads, but also creates panic in all but her most discerning viewers. For example, when Anna was about 3 months old, and I was still severely deprived of sleep, I made the mistake of not napping and instead turning on Oprah.  The show that day was about child molesters and I could only watch about 5 minutes of it before wanting to puke and then never let my daughter out of my sight.  Don’t get me wrong, I will always worry about my daughter being some pervert’s prey, but the way Oprah made it out you shouldn’t even trust your own husband with your kids.  I simply cannot spend my life not trusting everyone – I’d never get out the house.  This is okay for Oprah because she has bodyguards, private jets and no real contact with the public, but for the rest of us, we need to live our lives…

Let’s review some of the triggers and symptoms of the Postpartum Crazy period for me:

1. First, Anna is six weeks old and I have been writing this post in my head since week two and have only now been able to sit down to even begin writing the post. That’s how completely busy I have been.

2. During the last few weeks of my pregnancy, when people would ask how I was, sometimes I would answer with something like, “I don’t sleep – I just can’t get comfortable and I get up to pee 5 times a night.” More times than not the person would smirk and say, “Get used to it.” It was the smirk that always made me mad, as if somehow they were getting pleasure out of knowing that I would soon be a zombie.

And yes, it’s true, I am generally up several times a night, about every two hours, with Anna duty. Sometimes I feed her, change her, and get her calmed down enough for her to go back to sleep only to have to wake up again in an hour to do the whole thing again. Who wouldn’t go crazy with a schedule like that?

3. This lack of sleep has multiple affects, the first being that I am of course tired, but also that I am forgetful, grumpy and a little loopy. The other day I changed the baby, only to forget that I had already changed the baby 10 minutes later and advised Mike that Anna needed to be changed again.

4. I also am unable to carry on a conversation a lot of the time because I can’t remember words for things other than “diapers” and “wipes”. I’d love to talk about world events and politics with someone, but unless Hilary and Obama start having a discussion about whether cloth or disposable diapers are best, I don’t think I can contribute to a meaningful conversation!

5. The other day, during a quiet period while Anna slept in her swing, I watched the “Ellen” show for a few minutes of rest. Beckham was on, talking about how he and Posh Spice loved kids and wanted more. In my postpartum loopiness I actually wasted time wondering whether or not Posh has a nanny, because I couldn’t imagine wanting to be up at all hours with another child anytime soon. And then I wondered if Posh has stretch-marks and if she breastfed. Isn’t it a sure indication that I have lost my mind that I even spent any time at all wondering if Victoria Beckham has stretch-marks?

6. I was in the shower the other day and had to seriously consider, “Will my regular Suave shampoo get the spit up and lanolin out of my hair, or should I go for the Prell?” I went for the Prell in the end and it seems to have done the job. But eww…

7. The incident above was on one of the rare days when I actually get a shower. Some days, and sometimes several days in a row I don’t get the chance to shower. There are just some days where if I set the baby down, she cries inconsolably and I haven’t yet figured out a way to shower and hold the baby. By the time that Mike is home and I have an opportunity for a shower, I’m either too busy getting the things done that absolutely require two hands or too tired to do anything but conk out.

8. I have also found that even the two minutes that it takes for my electric toothbrush to run its full cycle is too long on those “colicky” days of Anna’s. I very rarely have the time to put her down and run through the full cycle, unless I do it while holding the baby at the same time – which means that really, only one side of my mouth is really getting the full benefit of the tooth-brushing.

I end up spending many days not having showered or brushed my teeth completely, never mind putting deodorant on, and with my hair up because it’s the best way to prevent the over the shoulder spit up from ending up somewhere in the tangles.

I’ve never been a “girly-girl”; I wear make-up rarely, skirts almost never and have found that if I paint my fingernails I’m so distracted by the color I can’t type but instead stare at my hands. But I’ve found myself so disgusted with my own un-cleanliness that I go overboard when I do get the chance to clean up. A few weeks ago Mike gave me the opportunity to go out while he took care of the baby; I was so overjoyed at the relief from my stinky-ness that I showered and wore heels to go to the grocery store!

So, if you come for a visit and something smells, it could be Anna’s diaper, or it could be me, her postpartum crazy mom…

The class has been beneficial; although it has been alternately calming and alarming.  Sometimes, I think to myself, “I can totally do this.” And sometimes I think, “Is there some sort of Star Trekian transporter that can the baby out instead? Can’t I just call Scotty and have him beam the baby out?”

The focus of the class is what will happen during labor, how to deal with it through breathing, focusing and some relaxation techniques, and the “interventions”, like drugs, c-section etc.  There is also advice for expectant fathers or supporters on what their role will be and how to help out during the process. 

Here are some other things that Mike and I learned during class:

1. In the interest of childbirth preparation, there is some masochistic “pain practice” that can be done to prepare.  Clothespins on your ears hurt, so they’re good practice that doesn’t cause any bleeding. This probably does not hurt nearly as much as labor, but this was the practice vehicle for class.  You put a clothespin on your ear lobe for a minute, the length of a contraction, and then you use the techniques that you learned in class to deal with the pain. It seems silly, but you should try it, it hurts.  Next we were encouraged to go home and hold ice in our hand or on the inside of our wrists to continue practicing.  And sadly, I want to do this; I want the pain practice – I actually think it might help. It’s strange, every once in while I think, “If I smashed my hand in the door, that might be good pain practice.”  Weird, just weird.

2. There are some embarrassing things that you will do in order to practice for labor that you would probably never do otherwise.  During the portion of the last class when we learned about the pushing process we learned that there are two techniques for pushing: bearing down, and a method I will call “the groaning method.”  Bearing down involves holding your breath and pushing; it sounds alarming to me because apparently you can do this so hard during labor that you pop blood vessels in your face and your eyes.  Neat…

The second method is to grunt/moan during pushing.  This was described to us as, “What you do when you have a really big poop and no one is listening.”  So we practiced both methods during class.  While I don’t like the thought of popping blood vessels, I am equally disturbed by making my own personal pooping noise for strangers when this has been something I kept to myself for all of my life up until now. 

Anyway, there we were, five women and their husbands on the floor of the classroom making a cacophony of groaning noises.  I can only imagine what the “Epilepsy Action Plan for Life” seminar across the hallway thought about the noise.  Apparently, it was enough for them to take pity on us and donate their leftover bagels to the class when they left…

 3. The usual rules of polite conversation are not observed in the strange world of Childbirth Preparation class; things that would be looked upon as not appropriate for normal conversation are just fine in this class.  Take for example the statement, ”I lost my mucous plug at work on Wednesday.” This is not something that you would usually feel comfortable saying at lunch with friends or in a meeting. 

But, in Childbirth preparation class this phrase is not only acceptable, but also cause for some measure of excitement by the whole class.   I was eating my rice crispie treat at the time that this was said, so I was a little startled, but I got over it and quickly got back into class mode.  I was so absorbed by the class that I briefly thought two things: 1) “Darn, she’s due after me; how come she’s lost her mucous plug and I haven’t?”; and 2) “Did she bring it to class for show and tell? Because I kind of want to see what it looks like.”  And then I congratulated her and ate some more gooey rice crispie treat. 

4. Mike (hopefully) learned a few things that are not to be said to me at the hospital.  We received a little pamphlet about labor in our last class; It was mostly pictures about good positions during the different stages of labor, how the baby comes out, etc.  The pamphlet also has some ideas of words of encouragement that can be offered to the laboring mother.  One of these phrases that supporters are advised to say was, “Let the baby out.”  Excuse me? What moron thought that this would be a good thing to say to a woman during labor?  Is this person under the impression that we women will be doing anything other than trying to get the baby out?  Isn’t that why it’s called “labor” and “pushing”? 

Wouldn’t it be nice if it was just a “letting go” process?  I could go into the hospital, press my internal “Release baby” button and out the baby would come!  If this were the process, then a phrase like, “Let the baby go” would be appropriate – but I don’t get the impression that this is actually what happens.  I pointed the page out to Mike and we discussed that he could expect permanent scarring if he said this while I’m in labor.   

Anyway, it was good to take the class.  I always feel better about scary things when I have more information on what’s going to happen.  But wow, this is going to be a whole new experience that no matter how much I prepare, it’s going to be a wild ride. 

This morning I was listening while making my PB&J when the story I heard began to make me curse and talk to myself angrily.  This is really why I love NPR, by the way; I hear stuff that I know Katie Couric isn’t going to touch on her broadcast…

The latest in a series of attempts to adapt Dr. Suess’ books is “Horton Hears a Who”, which stars the voice of Jim Carrey.  I’m sure my four readers are familiar with the story, so I’ll save you the plot re-hash.   Anyway, at one point in the story there is the line, “A person is a person, no matter how small.”  This is of course in reference to the very small people in Whoville. 

Apparently desperate for attention and as always ignorant of their own offensiveness, the anti-abortion movement has taken on this small line as their own.  Groups of anti-abortion protesters are gathering outside movie theaters showing the movie wearing T-shirts emblazoned with the “A person is a person, no matter how small” saying.

As is generally the case with the conservative right, Colorado featured largely in the story, since the anti-abortion movement is currently working on a ballot initiative in the state to make a fetus a legal human being.  The reporter interviewed the head of this particular agenda in Denver who was gladly going to go to the movie showings with her group while wearing her T-shirt and carrying their usual signs. 

It’s always embarrassing for me as a native of Colorado to have these things burp up from the conservative muck that resides in this state.  And I never really have understood why they are all here in the first place; it certainly can’t be that they came here to train like athletes in our thin air for more fervent protesting at sea level.

I’m obviously Pro-Choice and therefore biased, but seriously, Dr. Seuss and anti-abortionists?  I’m hopeful that this is a sign that the movement is so desperate and out of better slogans that they have to hijack a simple line from a Dr. Seuss book, but I’m still disgusted.  We all know perfectly well that Dr. Seuss had no political agenda while writing this book and that this is a children’s book. 

And yet, they did it anyway, and now, when some well meaning parent takes their child to see a movie of a sweet book that the kid has probably read with joy many times, they will be confronted with the likes of anti-abortion protesters.  Well done people!  “Here honey, after you look at the disgusting pictures on their signs, we can go and get some Skittles and popcorn and watch our Dr. Seuss movie about how abortion is wrong.”

Let’s review here: Mom goes in for a simple gall bladder removal surgery on Feb. 6th.  Her arrogant surgeon with a God complex sent her home the same day.  Then two days later when she is throwing up black stuff, and the surgeon won’t call her back, her primary care doctor tells her to go to the emergency room.  Not until my mom’s blood pressure drops to nothing does the surgeon make an appearance and decide to check and see if there’s something wrong her.  He perfoms another surgery and fixes some stuff but in the process gives her septic shock.  This is a man I can truly begin to hate at this point.

Over the past two weeks my mom has deteriorated to the point of being barely able to walk, breathe and she hasn’t eaten solid food for two weeks.  Her white blood cell count has gone up and down and her lungs and abdomen have filled with fluid, all without a single explanation from her doctors as to why.  They’ve done so many tests it’s mind boggling and still they have no clue at this point what is really wrong with her.   She’s in a lot of pain and she’s frustrated. 

I need my mom to get better.  I need her around when the baby comes to help me and give me advice.  I need her around now to talk to on a daily basis like I used to before.   Prior to the surgery my mom walked the dog twice a day, swam several times a week, did long hikes on the weekends, cooked every day, handled her CASA cases, quilted, visited with her friends, read at a nursing home, and visited her grandson on a frequent basis.  Now, she lays in a bed in pain, and can barely talk for more than 5 minutes. 

Nice going Mr. Surgeon.  If I were a stronger person and less mindful of Colorado statutes, I’d punch the crap out of you.  Instead, I’ll cry some more about what you’ve done to my lovely mom.   

I’m always trying to decide which foods I should spend the extra money on to buy organic. It’s generally a random choice, depending on what I am buying and what I am going to use it for when I cook the item. For example, I started buying organic potatoes only when I am going to leave the peel on; if I’m going to just take the peel off before I cook the potato, I go cheap and buy the conventional potatoes.  It has always sounded good in “Dorrie Logic”.

So I decided to do a little research about this thing my sister keeps mentioning, the “Dirty Dozen”.  I’m learning I don’t have to be so random about what I need to buy organic, and where I can save money.  I can go with the “Dirty Dozen” rules.

The “Dirty Dozen” is a list of foods that you should buy organic when you can afford it, because they contain high levels of pesticides and other nasty things when grown conventionally.

In “Dorrie Logic” if I take the peel off my conventionally grown potatoes, I am eliminating the pesticides, right?  I turn out to be wrong on this issue, and was pretty surprised at some of the foods on the list that contain a lot of pesticides. Apparently, while washing and peeling reduces some pesticides, there is some contamination that can remain, even after you have peeled and washed the food.

Anyway, the Environmental Working Group (EWG) has compiled the list of the “Dirty Dozen”, of the most highly pesticide ridden foods.  The EWG actually has a list of 43 fruits and vegetables that ranks them from high to low on their pesticide levels (onions, avocados and corn are at the bottom of the list with low pesticide levels for example).  They also have a handy downloadable “short list” that you can print out and carry with you when you are shopping.

Here’s the link to the full list, and the place where you can download the wallet size list, http://www.foodnews.org/walletguide.php

And here’s the summary of the top 12 foods with the highest pesticide level rankings: 
1. Peaches
2. Apples
3. Bell Peppers
4. Celery
5. Nectarines
6. Strawberries
7. Cherries
8. Pears
9. Imported grapes (although, seriously, it’s so hard to find out where the food is coming from, how am I going to know if my grapes speak Spanish?)
10. Spinach
11. Lettuce
12. Potatoes

I was surprised by some of these items in the top 12, I mean, celery? I was not surprised by spinach, because we’ve heard a lot about spinach and the bacteria on it lately.  But have you ever heard of someone getting sick from their celery?  I guess that’s probably because it’s loaded with pesticides in the first place!

So I have to re-think my shopping list, because frankly, pesticides and bacteria scare me, and I don’t want to be eating or serving something that is loaded with pesticides or little bacteria beasties.  I’m going to download the wallet guide and stop thinking that peeling and washing my fruit will save me from consuming pesticides.   

Not that I want to be alarmist and “I have to grow everything myself”, but I do like knowing which foods are really high in pesticides, and those foods, like pineapple and onions, where it’s a waste paying the higher cost for me to buy organic.