Sweet Yet Sour

Let the baby out!

Sunday, March 30th, 2008 | Seriously?

We have finally finished our “Childbirth Preparation” class.  It took us three Saturdays, from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m.  and I have to say that I am glad that we finished the whole thing without having to miss any classes due to going into labor.  It would have been unfortunate to miss any of the classes, especially the last one, where we practiced the key information “pushing out the baby.”  Good stuff.

The class has been beneficial; although it has been alternately calming and alarming.  Sometimes, I think to myself, “I can totally do this.” And sometimes I think, “Is there some sort of Star Trekian transporter that can the baby out instead? Can’t I just call Scotty and have him beam the baby out?”

The focus of the class is what will happen during labor, how to deal with it through breathing, focusing and some relaxation techniques, and the “interventions”, like drugs, c-section etc.  There is also advice for expectant fathers or supporters on what their role will be and how to help out during the process. 

Here are some other things that Mike and I learned during class:

1. In the interest of childbirth preparation, there is some masochistic “pain practice” that can be done to prepare.  Clothespins on your ears hurt, so they’re good practice that doesn’t cause any bleeding. This probably does not hurt nearly as much as labor, but this was the practice vehicle for class.  You put a clothespin on your ear lobe for a minute, the length of a contraction, and then you use the techniques that you learned in class to deal with the pain. It seems silly, but you should try it, it hurts.  Next we were encouraged to go home and hold ice in our hand or on the inside of our wrists to continue practicing.  And sadly, I want to do this; I want the pain practice – I actually think it might help. It’s strange, every once in while I think, “If I smashed my hand in the door, that might be good pain practice.”  Weird, just weird.

2. There are some embarrassing things that you will do in order to practice for labor that you would probably never do otherwise.  During the portion of the last class when we learned about the pushing process we learned that there are two techniques for pushing: bearing down, and a method I will call “the groaning method.”  Bearing down involves holding your breath and pushing; it sounds alarming to me because apparently you can do this so hard during labor that you pop blood vessels in your face and your eyes.  Neat…

The second method is to grunt/moan during pushing.  This was described to us as, “What you do when you have a really big poop and no one is listening.”  So we practiced both methods during class.  While I don’t like the thought of popping blood vessels, I am equally disturbed by making my own personal pooping noise for strangers when this has been something I kept to myself for all of my life up until now. 

Anyway, there we were, five women and their husbands on the floor of the classroom making a cacophony of groaning noises.  I can only imagine what the “Epilepsy Action Plan for Life” seminar across the hallway thought about the noise.  Apparently, it was enough for them to take pity on us and donate their leftover bagels to the class when they left…

 3. The usual rules of polite conversation are not observed in the strange world of Childbirth Preparation class; things that would be looked upon as not appropriate for normal conversation are just fine in this class.  Take for example the statement, ”I lost my mucous plug at work on Wednesday.” This is not something that you would usually feel comfortable saying at lunch with friends or in a meeting. 

But, in Childbirth preparation class this phrase is not only acceptable, but also cause for some measure of excitement by the whole class.   I was eating my rice crispie treat at the time that this was said, so I was a little startled, but I got over it and quickly got back into class mode.  I was so absorbed by the class that I briefly thought two things: 1) “Darn, she’s due after me; how come she’s lost her mucous plug and I haven’t?”; and 2) “Did she bring it to class for show and tell? Because I kind of want to see what it looks like.”  And then I congratulated her and ate some more gooey rice crispie treat. 

4. Mike (hopefully) learned a few things that are not to be said to me at the hospital.  We received a little pamphlet about labor in our last class; It was mostly pictures about good positions during the different stages of labor, how the baby comes out, etc.  The pamphlet also has some ideas of words of encouragement that can be offered to the laboring mother.  One of these phrases that supporters are advised to say was, “Let the baby out.”  Excuse me? What moron thought that this would be a good thing to say to a woman during labor?  Is this person under the impression that we women will be doing anything other than trying to get the baby out?  Isn’t that why it’s called “labor” and “pushing”? 

Wouldn’t it be nice if it was just a “letting go” process?  I could go into the hospital, press my internal “Release baby” button and out the baby would come!  If this were the process, then a phrase like, “Let the baby go” would be appropriate – but I don’t get the impression that this is actually what happens.  I pointed the page out to Mike and we discussed that he could expect permanent scarring if he said this while I’m in labor.   

Anyway, it was good to take the class.  I always feel better about scary things when I have more information on what’s going to happen.  But wow, this is going to be a whole new experience that no matter how much I prepare, it’s going to be a wild ride. 

1 Comment to Let the baby out!

Leave a comment