Sweet Yet Sour

So we’re here in the 9th month of pregnancy. Hallelujah, only four more weeks to go! 

Pregnancy is weird; there’s just some things that you have to get used to that I didn’t even think about when we started on this little adventure.  I’m really not having that bad of a pregnancy, so I’m able to laugh at some of the stuff that I have to deal with these days.  I’m not terribly hormonal, although Mike might beg to differ, and once we got past the hives episode and the three-week long cold, I’ve been doing pretty well. 

However, there are some things to note, if you ever are pregnant:

1. Do not watch Alien at any point leading up to or during the pregnancy.  If you do, the later stages where something moves around under your skin will creep you out.  The baby movements at this point are sort of like something slithering around so that doesn’t help. But seriously, how are we supposed to believe that Sigourney Weaver carried that creature around in her chest and still look so buff in a tank top?  I just don’t think so!

2. Pregnancy apparently gives random strangers the right to make unnecessary and sometimes hurtful comments to you, as well as to pry into your business.  This has been the most un-fun part of the pregnancy.  I was getting into our car the other day in a parking lot when a man next to us felt compelled to say “You must be about ready to give birth.”  Nope, jerkface, I have four more weeks.  Anyway, I told him the due date, he asked if it was the first, and after I responded he said, “Oh, that’s the worst.”  Um, okay.  A) You don’t look like you have a uterus, so how would you know? and, B) How is this helpful?  Do you go up to other strangers and tell them awful things or is this something you save for the pregnant ones?

3.  Pregnancy also apparently makes people say silly things. Case in point:  a few weeks ago I was walking past a man who works in my office but I don’t personally know.  I was looking pretty pregnant and yet he felt compelled to ask, “Are congratulations in order?”  I am generally a very good girl and will resist these silly comments, but I just couldn’t help myself on this occasion.  So I responded, “No, it’s just a large pocket of gas.  Don’t worry about it.”  And then I turned and went into the ladies room. 

4.   Watch out for the stretch marks pale girls.  By the time that I got to week 34 and still didn’t have any stretch marks I felt like I was doing pretty good.  And then I found them.  It took a little searching frankly, since they are on the underside of my belly; Mike walked into the bathroom one night to find me with a hand mirror under my belly.  I haven’t seen down there for a while and I guess I have some new stretch mark friends there.  I tried rubbing some cocoa butter on the area only to discover that I am allergic to cocoa butter and that stretch marks are even less attractive when compounded with a rash.  My midwife tells me that it’s the red hair; pale skin for some reason does not stretch as well as darker skin.  Whoohoo! Another pale skin perk to go along with the sunburns and freckles!

5. Sitting up straight is no longer an option.  It’s just not going to happen.  There is a large object between me and my thighs that blocks proper posture from taking place.  It also blocks me from properly turning the steering wheel without some serious effort, so I’m not going to be making a lot of u-turns until after the pregnancy.  Amusingly, the advice from one of the pregnancy sites on how to stop getting up so much in the middle of the night to pee is, “Sit forward so that you completely empty your bladder.”  Sit forward? Seriously? At this point I can’t do anything but treat the toilet as a little cold Lazy Boy where I am obligated by the basketball I am carrying to lean back.  Silly people…

6. Socks BEFORE pants.   This is the funniest part of being this pregnant.  I am no longer able to put on my own socks if I’m already wearing my pants.  I simply can’t get my feet and my socks to meet anymore if there’s even a hint of pants on my legs.  If I have forgotten this “cardinal rule” then I have two choices: 1) Make Mike put my socks on, or 2) Go without socks.  Mike generally leaves the house before I do, so lately there have been many sockless days.  This is isn’t too big of a deal, since I’m lately only wearing my slip on clogs because tying or buckling anything is also impossible. 

Anyway, there have been lots of funny moments during the pregnancy, and I know I’m on the home stretch, but I will definitely be glad when I can sit forward, see all of my body, and be able to put my own socks on, even when I’m wearing jeans…