Sweet Yet Sour

Let the baby out!

Sunday, March 30th, 2008 | Seriously? | 1 Comment

We have finally finished our “Childbirth Preparation” class.  It took us three Saturdays, from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m.  and I have to say that I am glad that we finished the whole thing without having to miss any classes due to going into labor.  It would have been unfortunate to miss any of the classes, especially the last one, where we practiced the key information “pushing out the baby.”  Good stuff.

The class has been beneficial; although it has been alternately calming and alarming.  Sometimes, I think to myself, “I can totally do this.” And sometimes I think, “Is there some sort of Star Trekian transporter that can the baby out instead? Can’t I just call Scotty and have him beam the baby out?”

The focus of the class is what will happen during labor, how to deal with it through breathing, focusing and some relaxation techniques, and the “interventions”, like drugs, c-section etc.  There is also advice for expectant fathers or supporters on what their role will be and how to help out during the process. 

Here are some other things that Mike and I learned during class:

1. In the interest of childbirth preparation, there is some masochistic “pain practice” that can be done to prepare.  Clothespins on your ears hurt, so they’re good practice that doesn’t cause any bleeding. This probably does not hurt nearly as much as labor, but this was the practice vehicle for class.  You put a clothespin on your ear lobe for a minute, the length of a contraction, and then you use the techniques that you learned in class to deal with the pain. It seems silly, but you should try it, it hurts.  Next we were encouraged to go home and hold ice in our hand or on the inside of our wrists to continue practicing.  And sadly, I want to do this; I want the pain practice – I actually think it might help. It’s strange, every once in while I think, “If I smashed my hand in the door, that might be good pain practice.”  Weird, just weird.

2. There are some embarrassing things that you will do in order to practice for labor that you would probably never do otherwise.  During the portion of the last class when we learned about the pushing process we learned that there are two techniques for pushing: bearing down, and a method I will call “the groaning method.”  Bearing down involves holding your breath and pushing; it sounds alarming to me because apparently you can do this so hard during labor that you pop blood vessels in your face and your eyes.  Neat…

The second method is to grunt/moan during pushing.  This was described to us as, “What you do when you have a really big poop and no one is listening.”  So we practiced both methods during class.  While I don’t like the thought of popping blood vessels, I am equally disturbed by making my own personal pooping noise for strangers when this has been something I kept to myself for all of my life up until now. 

Anyway, there we were, five women and their husbands on the floor of the classroom making a cacophony of groaning noises.  I can only imagine what the “Epilepsy Action Plan for Life” seminar across the hallway thought about the noise.  Apparently, it was enough for them to take pity on us and donate their leftover bagels to the class when they left…

 3. The usual rules of polite conversation are not observed in the strange world of Childbirth Preparation class; things that would be looked upon as not appropriate for normal conversation are just fine in this class.  Take for example the statement, ”I lost my mucous plug at work on Wednesday.” This is not something that you would usually feel comfortable saying at lunch with friends or in a meeting. 

But, in Childbirth preparation class this phrase is not only acceptable, but also cause for some measure of excitement by the whole class.   I was eating my rice crispie treat at the time that this was said, so I was a little startled, but I got over it and quickly got back into class mode.  I was so absorbed by the class that I briefly thought two things: 1) “Darn, she’s due after me; how come she’s lost her mucous plug and I haven’t?”; and 2) “Did she bring it to class for show and tell? Because I kind of want to see what it looks like.”  And then I congratulated her and ate some more gooey rice crispie treat. 

4. Mike (hopefully) learned a few things that are not to be said to me at the hospital.  We received a little pamphlet about labor in our last class; It was mostly pictures about good positions during the different stages of labor, how the baby comes out, etc.  The pamphlet also has some ideas of words of encouragement that can be offered to the laboring mother.  One of these phrases that supporters are advised to say was, “Let the baby out.”  Excuse me? What moron thought that this would be a good thing to say to a woman during labor?  Is this person under the impression that we women will be doing anything other than trying to get the baby out?  Isn’t that why it’s called “labor” and “pushing”? 

Wouldn’t it be nice if it was just a “letting go” process?  I could go into the hospital, press my internal “Release baby” button and out the baby would come!  If this were the process, then a phrase like, “Let the baby go” would be appropriate – but I don’t get the impression that this is actually what happens.  I pointed the page out to Mike and we discussed that he could expect permanent scarring if he said this while I’m in labor.   

Anyway, it was good to take the class.  I always feel better about scary things when I have more information on what’s going to happen.  But wow, this is going to be a whole new experience that no matter how much I prepare, it’s going to be a wild ride. 

Socks BEFORE Pants!

Tuesday, March 25th, 2008 | The Daily Special | 4 Comments

So we’re here in the 9th month of pregnancy. Hallelujah, only four more weeks to go! 

Pregnancy is weird; there’s just some things that you have to get used to that I didn’t even think about when we started on this little adventure.  I’m really not having that bad of a pregnancy, so I’m able to laugh at some of the stuff that I have to deal with these days.  I’m not terribly hormonal, although Mike might beg to differ, and once we got past the hives episode and the three-week long cold, I’ve been doing pretty well. 

However, there are some things to note, if you ever are pregnant:

1. Do not watch Alien at any point leading up to or during the pregnancy.  If you do, the later stages where something moves around under your skin will creep you out.  The baby movements at this point are sort of like something slithering around so that doesn’t help. But seriously, how are we supposed to believe that Sigourney Weaver carried that creature around in her chest and still look so buff in a tank top?  I just don’t think so!

2. Pregnancy apparently gives random strangers the right to make unnecessary and sometimes hurtful comments to you, as well as to pry into your business.  This has been the most un-fun part of the pregnancy.  I was getting into our car the other day in a parking lot when a man next to us felt compelled to say “You must be about ready to give birth.”  Nope, jerkface, I have four more weeks.  Anyway, I told him the due date, he asked if it was the first, and after I responded he said, “Oh, that’s the worst.”  Um, okay.  A) You don’t look like you have a uterus, so how would you know? and, B) How is this helpful?  Do you go up to other strangers and tell them awful things or is this something you save for the pregnant ones?

3.  Pregnancy also apparently makes people say silly things. Case in point:  a few weeks ago I was walking past a man who works in my office but I don’t personally know.  I was looking pretty pregnant and yet he felt compelled to ask, “Are congratulations in order?”  I am generally a very good girl and will resist these silly comments, but I just couldn’t help myself on this occasion.  So I responded, “No, it’s just a large pocket of gas.  Don’t worry about it.”  And then I turned and went into the ladies room. 

4.   Watch out for the stretch marks pale girls.  By the time that I got to week 34 and still didn’t have any stretch marks I felt like I was doing pretty good.  And then I found them.  It took a little searching frankly, since they are on the underside of my belly; Mike walked into the bathroom one night to find me with a hand mirror under my belly.  I haven’t seen down there for a while and I guess I have some new stretch mark friends there.  I tried rubbing some cocoa butter on the area only to discover that I am allergic to cocoa butter and that stretch marks are even less attractive when compounded with a rash.  My midwife tells me that it’s the red hair; pale skin for some reason does not stretch as well as darker skin.  Whoohoo! Another pale skin perk to go along with the sunburns and freckles!

5. Sitting up straight is no longer an option.  It’s just not going to happen.  There is a large object between me and my thighs that blocks proper posture from taking place.  It also blocks me from properly turning the steering wheel without some serious effort, so I’m not going to be making a lot of u-turns until after the pregnancy.  Amusingly, the advice from one of the pregnancy sites on how to stop getting up so much in the middle of the night to pee is, “Sit forward so that you completely empty your bladder.”  Sit forward? Seriously? At this point I can’t do anything but treat the toilet as a little cold Lazy Boy where I am obligated by the basketball I am carrying to lean back.  Silly people…

6. Socks BEFORE pants.   This is the funniest part of being this pregnant.  I am no longer able to put on my own socks if I’m already wearing my pants.  I simply can’t get my feet and my socks to meet anymore if there’s even a hint of pants on my legs.  If I have forgotten this “cardinal rule” then I have two choices: 1) Make Mike put my socks on, or 2) Go without socks.  Mike generally leaves the house before I do, so lately there have been many sockless days.  This is isn’t too big of a deal, since I’m lately only wearing my slip on clogs because tying or buckling anything is also impossible. 

Anyway, there have been lots of funny moments during the pregnancy, and I know I’m on the home stretch, but I will definitely be glad when I can sit forward, see all of my body, and be able to put my own socks on, even when I’m wearing jeans… 

Horton Hears a Who the Hell Do You Think You Are?

Friday, March 14th, 2008 | Seriously? | 2 Comments

Every weekday morning after I return from the O’dark:30 dog walk I turn on NPR while I feed the dog and make lunches.  NPR is really, at this point, the only way I get my news.  I’m generally walking the dog during the early evening news and already in bed asleep by the late night news.  Anyway, I love NPR; I get news, commentary and features like StoryCorps that I love.

This morning I was listening while making my PB&J when the story I heard began to make me curse and talk to myself angrily.  This is really why I love NPR, by the way; I hear stuff that I know Katie Couric isn’t going to touch on her broadcast…

The latest in a series of attempts to adapt Dr. Suess’ books is “Horton Hears a Who”, which stars the voice of Jim Carrey.  I’m sure my four readers are familiar with the story, so I’ll save you the plot re-hash.   Anyway, at one point in the story there is the line, “A person is a person, no matter how small.”  This is of course in reference to the very small people in Whoville. 

Apparently desperate for attention and as always ignorant of their own offensiveness, the anti-abortion movement has taken on this small line as their own.  Groups of anti-abortion protesters are gathering outside movie theaters showing the movie wearing T-shirts emblazoned with the “A person is a person, no matter how small” saying.

As is generally the case with the conservative right, Colorado featured largely in the story, since the anti-abortion movement is currently working on a ballot initiative in the state to make a fetus a legal human being.  The reporter interviewed the head of this particular agenda in Denver who was gladly going to go to the movie showings with her group while wearing her T-shirt and carrying their usual signs. 

It’s always embarrassing for me as a native of Colorado to have these things burp up from the conservative muck that resides in this state.  And I never really have understood why they are all here in the first place; it certainly can’t be that they came here to train like athletes in our thin air for more fervent protesting at sea level.

I’m obviously Pro-Choice and therefore biased, but seriously, Dr. Seuss and anti-abortionists?  I’m hopeful that this is a sign that the movement is so desperate and out of better slogans that they have to hijack a simple line from a Dr. Seuss book, but I’m still disgusted.  We all know perfectly well that Dr. Seuss had no political agenda while writing this book and that this is a children’s book. 

And yet, they did it anyway, and now, when some well meaning parent takes their child to see a movie of a sweet book that the kid has probably read with joy many times, they will be confronted with the likes of anti-abortion protesters.  Well done people!  “Here honey, after you look at the disgusting pictures on their signs, we can go and get some Skittles and popcorn and watch our Dr. Seuss movie about how abortion is wrong.”

Baby Shower

Thursday, March 13th, 2008 | The Daily Special | 2 Comments

This past weekend my sister held a baby shower for me at her house.  She did a really good job and ElleBee has noted, was able to complete the shower without any embarrassing to me or gross games.  She provided nice springy flower prizes and my aunt Diane provided cute favors with seeds and trowels in them. 

Honestly, I was hoping to avoid the whole baby shower thing entirely, since I’m not really all that excited to be the center of attention, and certainly not now, when I feel like a bloated whale. 

But my sister convinced me it was a good thing to have a shower and that I needed to suck it up.  I ended up being a lot more comfortable than I thought I would be, mostly because of the kind selection of games my sister provided, and the fact that my friend Kristen brought her adorable 8 month old, who provided plenty of distraction. 

My mom was unable to attend (she’s not able to walk much these days), which sucked, but at least she had escaped from the hospital the day before – I’m willing to take that sort of progress over having her still in the hospital for the shower. 

The mini Munhall now has plenty of blankets, bibs, bodysuits and some other fun things and thanks to my sister, the thank-you notes will be easier than usual since she provided the notes and had everyone address theirs.  What an awesome idea!

My sister had a great idea and had everyone fill out prediction sheets about what they thought the baby would be, what we would name the baby, when it would come, what it’s favorite sport and book would be and any advice that they would like to offer.  I provided the baby’s initials, ALM, which should be noted is based on the guesses of the ultrasound techs from the one ultrasound we have had (don’t get me started on the fact that my insurance company won’t pay for any ultrasounds). 

We counted up the answers in the end and according to predictions we will be having a boy on April 19th named Alexander Liam who will like hockey/soccer (there was a tie there) and who will favor Goodnight Moon. 

There was some great advice as well.  My aunt suggested “Give each other a hug and a kiss every day to remind yourselves that you are more than parents.”  Another suggestion was “Don’t listen to unwanted advice.”  And the most amusing advice was from Laura who said, “Don’t let the kid near us until you are ready for it to curse and drink heavily.” 

This prediction stuff was the most amusing part of the shower for me, the person who *thinks* that I know what’s coming.  A few weeks ago while my mom was still in the hospital and not speaking, the only smile we got out of her was suggesting that the baby would be named things like “Aloysius”.  Only a little better than Zephod…